I don’t often do this but recently I made a weighty decision about something of personal significance in my life and suddenly, approximately three weeks later, I began to question that decision. At first subtle, nagging thoughts would creep into my daily activity. Within about two days, I was in full throttle concern I had made the wrong decision.
My thoughts ignited into a flaming frenzy! I could not quit thinking about my poor decision-making skills. My mind was playing the Olympic championship for the gold medal of second guessing this seemingly catastrophic and irreversible decision. Exhaustion!
The questions. Oh, the questions! “Was this the right thing to do?” “Did you truly understand God’s direction to go for it?” “ Did you ensure this was the best decision in pursuit of your ultimate goal in this area?”
Then came the accusations, “This was not the right thing to do.” “God did not okay this for your life.” “You have far too many obligations to care for to pursue such a thing.” “Sure, you know how do this but what a ninny you are for thinking you have time. Look at your calendar.”
All this followed by more accusatory questioning. “Who do you think you are to pursue this?” “Why do you think this is good for you right now?” “You do have too many other things you should be taking care of.” “Besides all that, you’re not good enough … “ “You’re not smart enough…” “You’re not ready …” “You’re not this…” “You’re not that … “ “You’re not …”
I wanted to scream at my thoughts, “STOP IT!”
Such confusion! I had to seek the Lord to end this struggle.
My normal routine is to get up around 5:15 a.m. and pray. About 7:00 a.m. my husband and I have coffee, devotion and prayer together. That next morning I outdid my norm and got up and 4:45 a.m. I HAD to get the answer!
I went to my place of prayer. There, my old strategically placed prayer chair awaited my arrival. Kneeling with a heavy, grieving heart, worship rolled out celebrating the essence of God, aware of my own unworthiness–if not for the blood of Jesus–to empty myself before Him. Praise poured as I celebrated His promise of our confidence He is listening and will answer when we seek His will. I implored Him to help me know His will in this situation, to understand what I needed to do. My cries emerged from the depths of my being to Him a few days in a row. Yet, the second guessing continued.
Our God is NOT the author of confusion but of peace (1 Cor 14:33 NASB) and God has not given us a spirit of fearfulness, but one of power, love, and sound judgment. (2 Tim 1:7 HCSB) I was trusting Him for the answer to rid myself of this confusion.
After prayer on the third day, Mike and I had our routine time of devotion and prayer. Then, Mike left for the day to work on a consulting job. I took the opportunity of quietness to search the Word.
My regular Bible reading had taken me to a particular study and this day I did not believe that was where I was to focus my energy. Instead, I felt compelled to read from the Psalms. (In full transparency, I had the same thought the day before, got sidetracked by another issue and did not have the opportunity to go back and add the Psalms to my reading.) Today was different. I HAD to do it!
With pen in hand, I opened my Bible. I did not have a particular direction of which Psalm to read, so I thought, I will start with Psalm 1 and proceed from that point. On the page, I had a couple things marked from previous studies and chose to ignore them so the words would be fresh, and began reading. Verse three seemingly lifted off the page and said, “…which yields its fruit in its season…” There, next to that line I had marked and noted my confirmation regarding this decision only one month, almost to the day, prior.
There it was! GOD REMEMBERED and reminded me HE had already told me what the decision was to be! The voice of question was the accusing enemy attempting to instill defeat into my soul. But GOD …
GOD said “NO, Leah, you are NOT defeated! You, Leah, have VICTORY in ME!”
How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked,
Nor stand in the path of sinners,
Nor sit in the seat of scoffers!
But his delight is in the law of the Lord,
And in His law he meditates day and night.
He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water,
Which yields its fruit in its season
And its leaf does not wither;
And in whatever he does, he prospers. (Psalm 1:1-3 NASB)
WINS-DAY is a BIG win for me this week because I got to begin and end today KNOWING GOD’s peace!
Let GOD show YOU where HE is giving YOU VICTORY!
